How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship: 5 Gottman Method Tips That Work

If you and your partner sometimes feel like you're having the same argument on repeat or if small conversations escalate into big conflicts, you’re not alone. Communication challenges are one of the most common reasons couples seek help. The good news? Communication is a skill, and you can learn it.

Backed by over 40 years of relationship research, the Gottman Method offers science-based tools to help couples communicate more effectively, reduce conflict, and build emotional closeness. Whether you’re navigating a tough patch or want to strengthen your bond, these five communication tips can help.

Why Relationship Communication Skills Matter

Many of us were never taught how to communicate in emotionally healthy ways, especially in intimate relationships. But just like learning a language, relationship communication is a skill you can improve with the right tools.

The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, turns decades of relationship research into practical tools you can use to create trust, resolve conflict, and stay connected long term.

1. Use a Soft Start-Up

According to Dr. Gottman, 96% of the time, the way a conversation starts determines how it will go. If it begins with criticism, it’s likely to escalate. A soft start-up uses gentle language to bring up concerns.

Instead of saying:
“You never listen to me.”

Try:
“I’ve been feeling a little disconnected lately—can we talk about it?”

This simple change creates space for your partner to listen without feeling attacked.

2. Speak with “I” Statements, Not Blame

Saying, “You never care about what I think” will almost always trigger defensiveness. But saying, “I feel unheard when we don’t check in after work,” helps your partner hear your need instead of shutting down.

“I” statements focus on your feelings and keep the conversation emotionally safe.

3. Turn Toward Emotional Bids

In everyday interactions, your partner makes small efforts to connect. These are called emotional bids. Examples include a funny meme, a sigh, or a question like “Did you see the news today?”

When you turn toward these bids by responding with interest or empathy, you build trust and emotional closeness over time.

4. Make and Accept Repair Attempts

Even the healthiest couples argue. The difference is in how they repair afterward. A repair attempt is anything that helps stop the conflict from escalating—like saying:

“That came out wrong, can I try again?”
“I’m getting overwhelmed, but I want to keep talking.”

Successful couples know how to make and accept repair attempts as a way to reconnect during or after a disagreement.

5. Schedule Emotional Check-Ins

In busy lives, it’s easy to only talk about tasks such as meals, bills, schedules. That’s why the Gottmans recommend regular stress-reducing conversations or emotional check-ins.

Once a week, ask each other:

“How are you really feeling this week?”
“Is there anything you need more or less of from me?”
“How are we doing as a couple?”

These conversations help prevent resentment and strengthen emotional connection.

If this feels challenging to do on your own, working with a couples counselor can offer guidance, structure, and support. Counseling provides a neutral space where both partners can feel heard and learn tools to communicate more effectively.

Why Knowledge Builds Stronger Relationships

We often assume love should be effortless but real connection takes skill. Learning how to communicate with empathy, structure, and care makes relationships stronger and more resilient.

The Gottman Method helps couples replace unhelpful patterns with tools that support lasting emotional intimacy. The more you understand how communication works, the more confident you’ll feel navigating the ups and downs of any relationship.

Final Thoughts: Love is a Skill You Can Learn

You don’t have to be perfect to have a great relationship. But you do have to stay curious, open, and willing to grow.

Start with one small change like using a softer tone or being more responsive to your partner’s bids. Over time, these small shifts create lasting connection.

Because love isn’t just something you feel—it’s something you practice.

Considering Couples Counseling?

If you're finding it hard to implement these tools on your own or if communication patterns feel stuck, couples counseling can help. A trained therapist can support you in identifying unhelpful dynamics, practicing new strategies, and rebuilding emotional safety.

Whether you're just starting out or have been together for years, therapy offers a space to grow, reconnect, and feel more understood.